A Hypothetical Ode to the Little Folk

If I had to be a dwarf, elf, man, or hobbit, I would definitely choose hobbit. Here's why.

1.    Hobbits have awesome furry feet. As anyone who's seen me in shorts or flip-flops will attest, I'm doing my best to develop some Hobbit-class foot/leg hair. But having giant furry feet would be a magnificent improvement; I could walk over any surface without pain, I wouldn't have to worry about shoes and socks, and I could shave and trim my foot-beard into interesting patterns.

2.    Hobbits have long life spans, 20-50 years longer than humans. While some might consider this to be a burden, it's only understandable - hobbits take a lot longer to do everything because of their lack of stress and general easygoing-ness.


3.    Hobbits have a bliss-inducing, harmless herb they call pipe-weed. Remember how they're always smoking in The Lord of the Rings? That's not tobacco or marijuana, and none of the older hobbits look like they have lung cancer, so it sounds pretty good to me.

4.    Hobbits are super tough. I wouldn't have to worry about being unduly victimized because--

a.    Nobody wants to hurt hobbits because they're super cute.

b.    If anybody wanted to hurt me I could easily hide.

c.    If push came to shove, hobbits are deceptively fierce so I could probably push and shove with aplomb.

One potential objection concerns hobbits’ diminutive stature. However, we only arrive at this by comparing hobbits to humans. While I enjoy being tall, this is not an objective standard; when deciding upon “a good height,” it’s just as arbitrary to select six feet tall as it is to select three. It's ridiculous that we've decided that one size is normal and another is tiny. In fact, when we consider the sizes of all of the species in the animal kingdom, three feet is actually a much more normal height than six.

Besides, this wouldn't even matter in the context of my lifestyle. The Shire is constructed completely to scale. All the houses, doors, windows, roads, bridges, carts, and even animals would be scaled to my size.

In addition to being totally cute and surprisingly tough, hobbits have one advantage that the other races rarely attain. Hobbits are almost categorically content (except for the Bagginses). Just happy. I can't imagine what that would be like, to just be content and live without pressure and stress. Other races can be happy, sure, but it's illusory and transient, gone as soon as they realize that there's something else to be desired.
And what I wouldn't give to be friends with Gandalf...