Dale From Yale

     Last week I received a phone call.
     Muting my iTunes, I glanced down to the cell phone buzzing angrily on my desk. The number was unavailable.
     "Hello?" I said.
     A deep, sombre voice greeted me. I immediately thought of New England; the long vowels and refined tone conjured images of cobblestone and hallowed halls. "Hi, my name is Dale and I'm with the Yale Office of Administrations. Is this a good time to talk to Mr. Allen?" That's weird, I thought, I applied to the Office of Admissions... what's the Office of Administrations?
     That should have been my first clue.
     I replied eagerly, "Yeah, that's me. Can I help you?"
     "I'm calling to inform you that you've moved up in the rankings. Are you available for a short phone interview right now?"
     My heart leapt into my throat. There is a strange heady rush when I come across a moment that will decide my future. My narrow scope of day-to-day concentration momentarily gives way to a broad lens through which I can see all of my days, decisions, and opportunities laid out next to each other on a giant timeline. Just for an instant, I felt that rush, and then it was gone and I was nervously stammering.
     "Uh, yeah. Yes. Interview?" Hang on--I moved up in the rankings? Yale Admissions doesn't have "rankings." I mean, they do, they just would never tell an applicant. And this was an unavailable number, so is this a prank call? Shit if I ask if it's a prank and then it's not, I'll never get in. Quick, say something intelligent, something that makes you look like you know what's going on and you're in control. "Is this other--different from my other interview? I mean, how is this going to be different from my interview with the alumni--alumnus?"
     Silence.
     Stupid. You just humiliated yourself. It's not a prank. JESUS FUCK what have I done?
     He replied: "Uh, yes. This will be similar to that other interview."
     Ok, maybe it is a prank. But what if it's not? Aaah fuckfuckfuck--ok. Pull yourself together; ask a few standard questions and see if you can back him into a corner. "I'm sorry, what did you say your name was again?
     "Dale."
     "Uh huh. And where can I get in touch with you if I have further questions or...comments?" Stupid. "Comments" isn't the word. Information! Why didn't you say "information?!"
     "Actually, at Yale we try to conduct all our admissions anonymously."
     There it is. This poor bastard picked the wrong person to prank. "Oh, ok." I said, "So you have some questions? Shoot."
     "Yeah, we're trying to get all of our applicants to take a survey. You don't have to if you don't want to."
     "No, I don't mind. Is it long?"
     "No, just-- what are your two favorite colors?"
     What are the two funniest colors? "Uh, I like... purple and brown." Stupid. Those are not funny at all. Now you just look like an idiot. "Sorry, I have your name, but if I can get an email that would be great."
     "Yeah, you can reach me at 'big hard AT four two one DOT e-d-u.' Four two one is our school code."
     "Oh yeah? Thanks, Big Hard Dale. Why do they call you that? Is it because you're big and hard?"
     "Yeah, that's me. Big, and... hard." From the other end, I could hear the line muting and un-muting, and muffled laughter.
     "Thanks! So, if I want to get a good cocaine hookup on the East Coast, would you be the person to talk to?"
     He paused. "Actually, all our students are discouraged from taking drugs and alcohol."
     "Oh, I see. But heroin is cool, right?"
     Another pause. "Yeah, heroin, or this new thing - I don't know if you've heard about it - meth?"
     I saw my opportunity and struck like lightening. "I'm sorry, what?"
     "Meth."
     "Sorry, still not getting it. Can you say it slower?"
     "METH."
     "Oh. Yeah, I think there's something wrong with the line, I can barely hear you. Can you repeat that?"
     "Meth. Short for methamphetamine."
     "Um, can you spell that?"
     A long silence. "Actually, I said sand."
     "Said what?"
     "SAND."
     "Ok Big Hard Dale, thanks for calling. I'll get back to you if I have any questions."
     "Uh, goodbye."
Click.